I Got a Blog...but I Wanted a Pony

Christopher

2009-04-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

When we were kids you broke my heart. Or so I thought at the time. Sixteen year old girls are silly that way.

When we were a bit older my heart broke for you. The death of your little boy. So very, very, sad.

Today my heart breaks for those you've left behind. Your life taken way too soon. Your father, who has to bury his youngest son. Your wife, who has lost her best friend. Your son, who is now without his Daddy. And so many, many friends.

You fought the good fight Chris. Now you can rest. I know you are in Heaven with Alec in your arms. I hope your heart is at peace.

Did You Just Say Meow?

2009-03-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

I risked my life today to set free a feral cat. Set it free from the very trap I placed a can of "Special Kitty" cat food in to lure the little MF'er into the trap in the first place. I hate these friggin cats and I hate the dumb-ass old lady who lives in the house behind me who keeps feeding them even more. And I do wish she would stop coming outside in her nightgown and also that her husband would not ride his bike around the neighborhood shirtless. Because he is old. And yes, men can get saggy tits too. Actually I consider his tits to be more soggy than saggy. But anyway...the cats. The nasty, filthy, feral cats who kill rodents in my yard and leave their innards spread out in the grass for me to clean up so the kids don't step on them and then track squirrel intestines through my house. And piss everywhere and holy shit does cat piss stink! There were 4 feral cats and I have successfully captured two and the animal police came and picked them up and that was exciting!!! Plus one raccoon, and now I know why they say not to leave the traps out overnight. But the raccoon was sleeping and actually had to be encouraged to leave the trap once I got it opened. And my (man) neighbor was watching and screaming "it's rabid, it's rabid!" Oh, and my husband was watching out the window because he apparently had some raccoon trauma as a child. And for real, that raccoon was cute (and sleepy.) But the cat? That thing was out of it's effing skull. I had to get gloves, and a coat, and a shield and a butcher knife to go near it. And set it free. Because the animal police people are done work at 4:00 and it was 4:20 and they were closed. And wouldn't be back for about 17 hours which is too long according to the paperwork they gave me to leave the thing in there. My husband was all "don't set it free, it's the smart one, it's the one we've been waiting to get." And while this is true and it was in fact, The Smart Cat it was going meow meow meow in this little sad voice and fucking shit could it be that I have a heart?! For this bastard cat that I hate and makes my sun room smell like piss when it rains? So yeah, it took a long time and it was very scary but I did get the trap open and set the cat from hell who was no longer going meow meow meow it was more like growl hiss growl free. Because I just felt so bad for it. At that moment anyway. I will not feel bad tomorrow morning when I put another can of "Special Kitty" in the back of that trap and set the spring loaded door. Don't mistake kindness for weakness you furry little fuck.

Riley

2009-03-07T17:42:00.000-08:00

Riley is the eleven month old son of one of my friends. He was born with Heterotaxy Syndrome and Complex Congenital Heart Disease. In May we will be having a benefit for Riley and his family. Right now we are in need of donations for a Chinese Auction. If you or anyone you know can help by donating an item or gift certificate for a basket it would be greatly appreciated. You can e-mail me at karalyn729@gmail.com.

You can read Riley's story here:

http://smile4riley.com

Well That About Sums It Up.

2009-02-17T15:43:00.001-08:00

You Can Kiss My Ass If...

2009-02-05T20:20:00.000-08:00

You are a grandparent to my child and did not even send him a friggin card on his birthday.
You are the superintendent of my kids' school district and you keep having these 2 hour delays because 7 snowflakes fell out of the sky.
You say "mani-pedi."
You have a really fast, really expensive sports car and you drive 19 when the speed limit is 25 and you are in front of me.
You live in my snobby, pretentious neighborhood.
You throw your little baggie of dog shit in my trashcan after the trash men have already come.
You asked me to be a bridesmaid in your wedding and are forcing me to wear the most God-awful, pouffy dress ever to have been created by anyone, anywhere.
You are a grown woman and your name is "Sassy" or "Cookie." Stop it.
You were once married to my husband and when you come to pick up your son for your weekend visitation you ask if you can use my bathroom. And you shit in it. And then you advise that I don't go in there for a while .
You let your 27 little kids run around the library screaming and don't even attempt to keep them quiet because that book is just so darn interesting.
You are a recording that keeps calling my house asking for Rosalie Adams.
You are not a recording and you keep calling my house offering me special offers.
You put onions and pickles on my Double Cheeseburger after I specifically said no onions, no pickles.
You bitches know who you are.

My Best Friend

2009-02-04T16:54:00.000-08:00

My best friend is Elvis' biggest fan.

My best friend calls me "sister."

My best friend has the most amazing memory in the world.

My best friend will ride the biggest scariest roller coaster and not bat an eye.

My best friend can find humor in any situation.

My best friend is the most positive person I know. Her glass is always half full.

My best friend is an awesome basketball player.

My best friend was there for me when my mom passed away.

My best friend loves vacationing in Florida.

My best friend has hopes and dreams for her future.

My best friend was there on my wedding day.

My best friend keeps me in her prayers.

My best friend has written me a million notes-all of which I've saved.

My best friend makes me happy.

My best friend probably sounds a lot like your best friend.

My best friend has Down Syndrome.

But it doesn't make her who she is-it is just one part of the wonderful, amazing, loving, person she is.

Love you Sister!

February 1,1996

2009-01-31T20:59:00.000-08:00

Thirteen years ago today, at 4:34 in the morning a baby boy was born. He was so perfect, so beautiful, and so very, very, tiny.

And then I blinked.

Happy Birthday Joseph Anthony. I am so proud to be your mom.

It's A Boy!

2009-01-28T16:22:00.001-08:00

No really, it is. Doesn't my twelve year old son have some bouncy and beautiful hair? We offered him 50 bucks to get it cut and he said no. Dammit.

I.E.P.F.U.

2009-01-09T14:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Child Study Team, Principal, 2 Out of 3 Teachers, and Guidance Counselor who Laughs Like a Horse,

Thank you all for wasting two and half years of my time. Thank you also for wasting the time of my child. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for treating me like a person who was making a huge deal out of nothing and thank you for the fact that my kid thinks he's stupid. Thanks for blowing off my concerns and for patronizing me. Thank you for ignoring the advice of a pre-school teacher, a psychiatrist, a therapist, and a neurologist. I'm sure they have no idea what they're talking about anyway. Thank you for refusing to evaluate him all three times I sent a written request. Thanks also for allowing us to spend a whole bunch of money to have him privately evaluated since you wouldn't do it. We really appreciate it. Truly.

When I brought a copy of the evaluation we had done to our last meeting I was kind enough not to shove it straight up your ass which I felt inclined to do. Instead I let you read it. I highlighted the sentence which contained the words "qualifies for special education" so you couldn't miss it. I thought that was really nice of me. Isn't that wild? He qualifies for special education. He has learning disabilities. Who'd of thunk? All along, it appears that I was right. I wasn't making a big deal out of nothing. And you guys suck.

So I'll see you in a couple weeks at the IEP Meeting that you have so graciously scheduled. It will be real nice to see you all. Again, I thank you for your concern and support and for truly caring for my child as an individual. I'm so glad that he will now be getting the help he needs and deserves.

Love and Kisses,
A Disgusted Mom

ii Am A Loser

2008-12-29T20:30:00.000-08:00

I bought this game last night. For myself. I do love me some horsies. But still, I am 38 and all. Earlier in the day I had taken my son to use a gift card he had gotten for Christmas. He was getting a game for his new Wii. And while he was looking around I spotted this. Gallop & Ride. Ooohhh doesn't that sound fun girls? You get to create your own horse, groom it, and take it for rides on the beach or through the woods. You also get to renovate The Old Mill Ranch. This was like a dream come true for me all from the comfort of my own home. And for only twenty bucks.

I walked around the store with it in my hand for a few minutes but then told myself how pathetic I really was and put it back. Then I dropped my son off at his friends and drove home. Right past the video game store. And I didn't want to do it but the ponies made me. So I went back and I got it. I galloped home and showed my husband, who by the way, couldn't make too much fun of me because he had taken our younger son's new Wii out of his room and brought it downstairs so he could play tennis and bowling on the 65 inch television. I went into my older son's room and got down to business with my newly aquired ranch that had been left to me by my "Grandfather."

But I have to tell you, the horsies are not all fun and games. These bitches are high maintenance to say the least. Not to mention trying to renovate the Riding Hall and guest houses. My definite low point was when I stabbed the sensitive part of my horse's hoof three times while cleaning it. She didn't like that and it caused her trust level to go way down. I did try and make it up to her with a good brushing though. I am now s-l-o-w-l-y gaining her trust back. Tomorrow she just may let me ride her. We'll see how it goes.

So I may be busy for a while. I have a lot more responsibilities now. The husband, two kids, job, and house really have me hemmed up as it is. Throw in an entire ranch that needs tons of work and several very large yet sensitive animals and I have no idea when I will even have time to shower.

Q and A with Peyton's Mom

2008-12-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

Yay! Peyton's Mom picked me for a fun question and answer session. (It could be because like the blog-stalker that I am I made sure I was first to beg her to do so.)
I "met" Peyton when I became her ChemoAngel. I can not tell you how excited I was to be an angel to a little girl. Being surrounded by boys and never experiencing the pleasure of picking out gifts that were pink, frilly, princessy, and froo-froo I had fun, fun, FUN choosing things for Peyton.
When you sign on to be a ChemoAngel you do so with the understanding that you will most likely never hear from your "buddy" or their family. This is completely understandable and I would never expect any contact. I am so happy to say this was not the case with Peyton. Her mom e-mailed me many times to say thank you and send me pictures of Peyton looking too freaking adorable in one of her famous clothing ensembles. And my heart just about melted when Peyton sent me a picture she had drawn of her and I.
Over time "Peyton's Mom" became Anissa. Not only a wonderful mom, Anissa is also a wonderful friend. And as a bonus she is funny as shit.
So here are Anissa's deep thought provoking questions and my answers:

1.Who would you rather walk in on you during an "intimate" moment? Your kids or your grandparents?

Okay I have to admit-when I read this question the first time I apparently MISREAD it. Because I thought what was being asked was who I would rather walk in on. Which-eeww, yuck, gag, and neither. But once I read it again I thought eeww, yuck, gag, and neither. However I guess I have to pick one. So I'll go with the grandparents. For so many reasons.

2. If you had to pick a best friend from a TV show, who could you see yourself palling around with?

Dr. G from the show Dr. G on Discovery Health. Although I suppose if we were friends I would call her Jan. And every day would be Take Your BFF to Work Day. I could then watch her perform the Standard Y Incision without the fuzzy blur obscuring my view.
Weird but true.

3. If you had to pick a different religion from the one you observe, what would it be?

I would choose Catholic. I love, love, love, Saints. Although my actual religion (Methodist) does not believe in praying to Saints, I do. My favorite is St. Anthony. I find all things about Saints facinating.

4. If money and kids were no option what car would you buy?

Cadillac Escalade ESV Platinum. Heated steering wheel, cooling cup holders and over $84,000 of pure luxury. Also totally unrealistic in my life.

5. What is the toy that you never got that you'd still sort of like to have?

Baby Alive. My mom said I couldn't have her because she'd get bugs. But I had a real alive baby and he never got got bugs so I think she may have been lying to me.

Done. And I would love to be the asker of some questions but I may, on a good day, have 3 people that read my blog. But if you happen to be one of those 3 and want me to ask you some seriously meaningful questions about yourself leave a comment.
Thanks Anissa!

Advice Column

2008-12-21T19:59:00.001-08:00

Dear Little Advice Voice in My Head,
Sometimes I really want to punch my son in the mouth. He has a horribly nasty attitude toward me and talks to me like I am the stupidest person in the world. He is almost 13. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Me

Dear You,
Wait 5 years. Then punch that kid in his mouth. He'll be 18 by then and you will be charged with simple assault instead of child abuse. It sounds a lot better.
Sincerely,
Little Advice Voice in Your Head

My Mom's a dork.

I'm in Lust

2008-12-18T11:08:00.000-08:00

Is it possible to make sweet, sweet love to appliances?

If so me and these guys are having a threesome.

Gift Giving Tip #1

2008-12-11T20:08:00.000-08:00

The book Thinner, by Stephen King, yeah...don't buy it for your niece for her twelfth birthday.
Even if she is smart and a very advanced reader.
Because when you read the back of the book where it tells you what it's about you may think it is an appropriate gift. When you read that it is a story about a man who accidentally runs into an old gypsy woman with his car and kills her and then her father puts a curse on him which makes him lose a whole bunch of weight (which by the way does not sound like a curse to me) you might possibly think it is an okay thing to get for your horror story loving niece.
But they fail to mention the reason why the man runs into the old woman in the first place. They fail to mention what his wife was doing to him while he was driving and why he was distracted.
However they do talk about it a whole lot throughout the entire book. Graphically.

For Christmas I'm gonna take her to a therapist.

It's your first time so make it count

2008-12-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

Sooooo...thinking about my first post and what to write has not come to me like a bolt of lightning as I hoped it would. Perhaps I am not as clever and quick-witted as I like to think I am. Or maybe my life is just reeaallyy boring. Either way I figure I need to take the plunge and just write something.

So here I go.

And honestly, this is very lazy of me because I wrote this awhile back. Like two months ago.On good old-fashioned paper and a quill dipped in ink. But even though it is not October anymore I still think it's important. It's something that has become very important to me personally. I honestly can't say why or how it started but it has become a passion in my life. At the way too old age of thirty-seven I decided to go back to college and pursue my dream of becoming a nurse. My ultimate goal is to work with pediatric cancer patients. They are my heroes.

Anyway here's what I wrote.

I live in one of those little towns that has a "Main Street" lined with quaint little shops and restaurants. There is always an event taking place from a farmers market to a car show to a concert. It is a fun street that has something to offer for everyone.
As everybody knows October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. Nowhere is this more apparent to me than on this street. Pink lights are strung overhead from building to building, large pink bows adorn trees, storefront lighting has gone temporarily pink, and the question on every body's lips is "Are you Pink"? During the month of October the merchants on this street are supporting the cause in whatever way they can, donating money to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. A bank will donate one hundred dollars for every loan closed. A jewelry store offers thirty percent off all pink jewelry and then donates the proceeds. A dentist will donate one dollar for each patient who wears pink to their appointment. I think that this is wonderful. It is an awesome show of support from so many in a fight against a horrible disease that has robbed millions of their mothers,sisters,wives,and daughters. It will be a glorious day when a cure is found and no woman ever has to lose her life to breast cancer again. But a cure takes research and research costs money and that's where the fund-raising and donations come in. So to my little town and all the others who dedicate the month of October to Breast Cancer Awareness I applaud you. You are doing a wonderful thing that is so important to so many.
Now let's backtrack a little...about a month or so...to September. Do you know what September is? The first day of school for your kids? A three day weekend for Labor Day? The beginning of autumn? September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. The color of the ribbon for Childhood Cancer Awareness is gold. You might not know about this, I wouldn't be surprised if you don't. You can't go into Target and buy a gold toaster or knives with gold handles. The lid on your yogurt container is not decorated with a gold ribbon. And I've never seen anyone wearing socks to show their support for Childhood Cancer Awareness. Or maybe you just don't WANT to hear about it. It is,after all too sad and depressing to even think about. Who wants to think about little girls with no hair,children whose faces and little bellies are bloated from steroids,or a three year old who doesn't know his ABCs but can pronounce rhabdomyosarcoma perfectly? "Idontwanttohearaboutit" you might say quickly when the topic comes up. Maybe a friend of a friend's friend had a neighbor who knew someone who had a child who died from cancer. You don't want to know because it's too sad,maybe you have children and hearing that a child actually died has hit a little too close to home. But just because you close your ears and eyes it doesn't go away. Just because you ignore something does not mean it no longer exists. There are some parents not as fortunate because they can't ignore it. Not for one second. Because their child does have cancer. Or they did have cancer. But they died. Because life is not always sunshine and rainbows. Even if you like to think it is. Cancer is real,and kids can get cancer. And it sucks. Everyone needs to be aware of this.
So my question is this. How can I help Childhood Cancer Awareness Month be recognized? What can we do to get the word out? Is there any way that we can make an entire community come together and string gold lights from the treetops? How can we make it so that the question "Are you Gold"? would be understood by everyone? Every day children are diagnosed with cancer,every day children die from cancer and really it is not as uncommon as you may think. There needs to be more money,for more research so less children lose their lives to this disease. It has to start somewhere.
September of 2008 passed quietly without so much as a whisper of gold in my town. How about yours? Are you gold?

So now you have like 9 months to think about it. You can create an entire human being in that amount of time right? Stepping off my soapbox now and don't say mean things to me like I'm against Breast Cancer Awareness because I'm not.

And that's my first post. It's important to me. I hope it meant something to you.

Under Construction

2008-11-28T13:37:00.000-08:00

Trying to figure this all out. May take years. I am so not computer savvy. Should probably get a notebook and pen.